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grandmamichelf 08-19-2013 05:34 PM

This is really difficult to write
I'm so worried and scared. Our second oldest son, Mando, moved home from NY. He lost his job over a year ago and then broke up with his boyfriend of five years. When he came home he was depressed and that was understandable but he had plans and was putting out job applications. His old job promised to hire him back but that hasn't happened yet.

Here's the part that's scaring me: He doesn't get out of bed. He sleeps the day away and is up at night but then goes to sleep. He was calling me in the middle of the night from his room down the hall to see when I was coming home from work. He told his sister-in-law that his father and sister went to a concert and came home at 4am only to go downstairs and play the drums. It kept him awake. He also told her that for his birthday we went out to eat and our older son was with us (he wasn't.) He woke us up the other night at 1am to tell us he was going to go to volleyball tryouts. When I questioned him about doing that in the middle of the night he told me not to be ridiculous.

At one point he called me at work and told me that Alex (his old boyfriend) worked downtown at the Old Market and commuted by subway from New Jersey to Omaha. He wanted to invite him to the barbecue we were having and I couldn't get him to realize that NJ is not next door to Nebraska. His brother talked to him and he said the same thing to his brother.

We got him to go outside for 15 minutes to play badminton in the front yard. At one point he lost his balance and fell down scaring the shit of his father and me. He shuffles like an old man but he's only 36. He doesn't shower. He doesn't clean his room unless I rag on him and I really try not to do that. He wonders why I start to cry when I tell him he is worth the world to me and I'm not going to stand by and watch him disintegrate like this.

He just came in with one shoe on and told me he was going to go to the gym we always go to and talk to the people there. I asked him what gym and he said downstairs. Since there are no people down there, I'm wondering who he plans to talk to. I told him to walk to the end of the block and back just toget some strength back.

I am so scared. I have an appointment with our family doctor on Thursday. Armando has no insurance although he keeps telling me he has an insurance card so yes he does. He calls me at work to talk to me but I'm so busy I don't have time to give him the attention I know he needs. He called me after I told him I would try to find him help with a counselor because he thought I was going to have him put in a mental hospital.

I know the signs of severe depression but this seems physical as well. Is he suffering from dementia now? Am I losing my child? His father and sister have already talked to our doctor and she gave them some information but when those two go to the doctor, one doesn't understand and one doesn't remember so I'm just going to go find out myself.

I don't know what else it could be. Could this be signs of HIV, early Alzheimer's? Or is his depression so severe that this is what is happening? I know if he doesn't get up and move about his muscles will weaken and his brain will start short circuiting.

I am afraid for my child.

grandmamichelf 08-19-2013 05:36 PM

I'm also going to talk to my boss who is a wonderful man. Maybe he can help me figure out where to go. He can certainly find out if my EAP will allow me to get some type of counseling help for someone with no job and no insurance.

19wingz 08-19-2013 05:58 PM

First of all, Grandma - Hugs to you for writing this like the strong woman I know you are. Putting this out here for us is not easy and I commend you.

Second, I think the fact that you have an appointment is wonderful. I am glad to hear that you will be seeing the family doctor to discuss this. I think you need to bring all of these points up, as well as have a timeline of how things have progressed (when it all started, etc) so that they can better sift things through.

This could be a number of things. Based on what I know and from what you've said, it is more than likely a manifestation from his depression. It sounds as if that is very severe and will cause symptoms like this in the long run. Is he on any medication? There may be a number of ways to help him with his depression. This also could be manifested by something neurological, but that's very hard to say and less likely in my eyes. But they will probably test neuro function here and go from there.

HIV? Well, yes that can manifest with severe brain response like this, BUT it typically isn't the only thing you will see. So I am not leaning in this direction.

First and foremost, he needs support and I know he has that, so that already is a huge thing, even though you may not be able to see the outcome from that. Please, please keep us updated after you see the doc.

Mystycl 08-19-2013 06:50 PM

a friend of mine did very similar things, and was diagnosed as 'manic depressive'?
not sure thats spelled properly.... we all thought she was faking for the attention cause that is the kind of person she was... when she went to the dr, we all felt about 2 inches tall.... it was very serious... she started hurting herself. it got REALLY bad before her family finally took her in... i'm glad yall are going now!!!
michele, i commend you as well... i dotn think i would have the patience to deal with it...
my prayers are with you all :pray:

Sheldon 08-19-2013 06:56 PM

I'm sorry to hear this, Grandma! I'll keep you in my thoughts and please keep us updated! We all care about you, and it breaks my heart to hear about any one of our Yak Family that's hurting. I hope the doctor can help shed some light on this and your son can get better!

19wingz 08-19-2013 07:06 PM

I don't know if this is manic depressive...not too much mania going on here, but there are very specific diagnostic criteria. A full, formal eval will shed more light than my speculation.

Tina 08-19-2013 07:15 PM

Oh grandma I am thinking of you and praying for you and Mando. I know you must be so scared as I would be. You're doing what is best getting him to the doctor as quick as possible so he can get a diagnosis and the treatment he needs.
Hugs and Kisses xoxo

Cathy 08-19-2013 07:30 PM

Grandma, I can only imagine what you are going through. As a mother I would be terrified of what was going on. As everyone else has said, I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

grandmamichelf 08-19-2013 07:39 PM

Isn't manic depressive actually bipolar disorder? My niece has that but I don't think she was diagnosed when she was much younger.

I'm the type of person who goes on the web and looks up all kinds of shit to try and figure it out. What I've read about depression (and the commercials I've seen) kinda point me in that direction. I knew it couldn't really be HIV but you can never be sure.

I will definitely let you know. I'm really starting to believe that my own stomach problems (because I've had IBS for years) have been a result of the worry and anxiety I am feeling over my son and what is happening with him.

He takes no medication whatsoever except for a Tylenol every once in a while. He talked his sister into going to downstairs to try and work out. He missed the bottom step trying to skip two (he has long legs) and fell on his butt, jarring his back a little.

My poor husband. He's at home with Lexi and Mando. But I'm going to say this: Lexi is starting to rise to the occasion. She yells at her brother to get up and get stuff for himself. She tells him she loves him and he needs to stop worrying her. She also tells him that she's the one that is disabled and he's taking all the attention away from her (she's joking and laughing when she says that because these two have always been close).

Our oldest son and daughter-in-law said to take him to the ER because they couldn't turn him away. But I think my approach is going to be the best way.

It took a lot for me to write that out because as a southern woman you just don't want to air stuff like that. But I don't like feeling alone and I knew that ya'll would rise to the occasion as you always do. That's why I love ya'll so much.

Tina 08-19-2013 07:45 PM

Grandma is there any indication that this started before he became depressed? Could it be part of the reason for his breakup with his ex and his losing his job? Is there a way for you to talk to his ex and see if this started before? Seems like something the Dr. might need to know. Just a thought. And yes, as far as I know manic/depression is now called bipolar disorder. Don't know if there is an age thing on onset but I do know about some celebrities that got it later in life like that what's her name actress that used to be with Ellen Degeneres years ago. Anyway hang in there!!!!!

grandmamichelf 08-19-2013 07:52 PM

Actually his ex is the one who sent a private message on FB to our oldest son because he was worried about Mando. Said he was very depressed and friends were starting to comment on it. This private message is what was essentially the shove I needed to get his ass home. His ex was so worried and said he needed to be surrounded by family and help given to him. He had said something about the strange noises that Mando makes when he's sleeping.

Let me tell you, he makes some strange ass noises and they are loud. He will moan loudly and sometimes he'll laugh. But hell, I yelled Help outloud from a dream I was having the other night and woke my husband up scaring him half to death. I was dreaming that I was getting hit by a bunch of women in the dorm (don't ask me) and kept yelling help but no one would do anything. Then all of a sudden I screamed Help outloud. I know that your subconscious is what can help you solve problems or recognize that you can't solve them on your own. And I think that's what that dream was all about.

Goldie 08-19-2013 07:53 PM

Prayers Grandma, my mother-in-law suffers from extreme depression, bi-polarism (They are actually different, but I'll leave it to the qualified folks to describe the differences) and severe agoraphobia. It is a constant struggle and we've had many talks about what to do with her. After time though and the right combination of pharmaceutical combinations we are actually seeing improvement, and she wants to have a family gathering at our house for her birthday next month (Believe this is a MASSIVE step). If this is what is affecting your son, just know that even if he seems not to respond to treatment, never give up. Something wil eventually help!

So admire you for having the strength to post this, hang in there.

Mystycl 08-19-2013 09:14 PM


Originally Posted by 19wingz (Post 466996)
I don't know if this is manic depressive...not too much mania going on here, but there are very specific diagnostic criteria. A full, formal eval will shed more light than my speculation.

yeah, that makes sense... i know squat, it just sounded similar.. :)

TheKdd 08-19-2013 11:45 PM

Wow Grandma, I'm SO SORRY. I'm just so so sorry. Get him to the Dr. ASAP. He needs tests and if possible, I wouldn't wait another second. That would scare me to death. Reading it has me scared me! Please let us know what you find out. OMG. I can't even imagine. My brother is Bi-Polar and he does some pretty whacked things a lot of the time, but like wingz said, it doesn't sound like there is the mania there. I'm just so sorry.

terpkings 08-20-2013 07:02 AM


I read this to my wife who until recently was a Psychiatric Nurse and who oversaw the treatment of more than 500 patients. BTW, she is on long term disability right now with her own serious health issues.

She has seen many things with patients that we consider odd that are actually just part of the issue and nothing to be alarmed about. Her advice is that you need to get him to a psychologist first because typically you will not get the proper appointment with a Psychiatrist until you cross the first path and he may need both because they serve different purposes many times.

Make sure that you attend the first appointment and you will get private time to explain your concerns and the patterns and symptoms that you are seeing. He may also be referred to a Neurologist based on the interaction between him and his counselors if they deem his symptoms cross over into the brain.

She stated that most importantly you and your family need to watch out for him as much as possible through this process and might even have to take control of some of his daily routines. Typically, depending on the issues at hand, the patient can make some dramatic recoveries with the proper diagnosis and treatment.

Just go through the process and it will work itself out.

BTW, I remember seeing a post of FB where you stated that you wanted your son home recently. I assume this was in regards to the issues he is having.

grandmamichelf 08-20-2013 09:40 AM

Tell your wife thank you, terp.

And yes, this is the son that I wanted to come home because, in my heart, I knew he wasn't the same child.

It is difficult to get help for an adult who has no job and clearly couldn't work if he was offered one. It's really scary. I came to work this morning and there were two message on my telephone. Both were from him. One was at 4:01 am this morning and the other 15 minutes later. Granted I was still in bed at home when he did this.

Lexi told me he called her cell phone at 3:59 am.

Bigbrotherfan1977 08-20-2013 09:47 AM

Grandma I am so sorry to hear about your son. I hope the doctors can find out what is wrong with him so he can get the help that he needs. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

TheKdd 08-20-2013 10:27 AM

It is difficult. My brother can't get a job, even if he was offered. There is just no way. Thankfully he met someone that takes care of him, otherwise, I don't even know if he would be alive today.

Grandma I'm just so sorry about all of this. I think ASAP you need to get him somewhere and get some observation and testing started. I am just so incredibly sorry. I really really wish there was something I could do to help.

Sphinx 08-20-2013 10:53 AM

Awww Grandma, I'm so sorry :( I'm no doctor nor psychologist, so I'm not going to speculate as it's beyond my purview of knowledge.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things, and I don't think you need to worry about losing your son. He's not gonna go anywhere with you around. Let's be serious here, you're strong enough to carry many people and still make time for yourself. You got this and you're gonna see massive strides soon. We all go through dark times, but that's what makes us better people.

You got this, and if you feel like you're wavering, you know you have all of us to fall back onto. We're all titans here.

Elizabeth 08-20-2013 11:14 AM

Oh Grandma -- I am so very sorry. I just don't have the words to express how sorry I am that you, your son, and your family are going through this.

Coming from a human resources background, I'm pretty sure you should be able to make an appointment to talk to someone with your employer's EAP program and they can help you find treatment for you son based upon his lack of insurance coverage.

Good luck -- you are in my prayers.

terpkings 08-20-2013 11:16 AM

The calls and I guess sporadic lucidity is very interesting and I would also check the blood flow and circulation because deprivation of Oxygen can cause some of these issues as well. A sleep study would also be of interest because you stated his night times seem to be the oddest. I know the lack of insurance is an issue but some institutes will take it on pro bono for the study of the issue itself.

grandmamichelf 08-20-2013 12:00 PM

He didn't even come out of his room when I went home for lunch.

I called my boss when I got back to work (which is where I am now) and asked if we could talk. So tomorrow morning I will explain to him what is going on. I always believe that it is best to let your boss know (especially if he is good man or a woman) what might affect your job. Or even that the more you take on at your job is your escape. Also, since he is the Director of Special Education he might have some other insights to give me.

Your kind words warm the cockles of my heart. ( I said that to my boss once and he asked me if that was a sexual thing :roflmao:. Kind of like the time I explained to him that when I said bless your peapicking heart I wasn't truly being nice )

Tina 08-20-2013 12:59 PM

My EAP covered my whole family whether living with me, whether they could afford it, were adult/minor or not. I hope yours does too.

grandmamichelf 08-21-2013 08:33 AM

I talked to my boss this morning. It was really good to be able to do that when normally I just don't things like that. But he gave me some things to think about. His concern is that he has seen manifestations like my son is now having in people with tumors. But he also knows that depression and other mental illnesses can show certain things like that. He called one of our counselors to have her call me and it was nice to talk to her.

I have a plan of action and know that I am doing the right thing by going to our family doctor first. The first step is to rule out any medical issue.

It is so hard because, now that I think about it, this has been a downhill slide for him for over a year according to his ex-boyfriend.

TheKdd 08-21-2013 08:51 AM

My daughter's friend, her sister was doing strange things, losing her balance, not acting right. Eventually lost use of one arm. This was a slide for awhile. They found a brain tumor (she's 12). Operation and radiation later, she is in rehab, learning to speak again, learning to use her arm again.

Let us know what happens tomorrow.

SassyGal 08-21-2013 09:59 AM

I am so sorry if you need me just call....I am a pretty good listener!

Tina 08-21-2013 03:50 PM

Grandma so the appointment is tomorrow with your family doctor?? yes, please let us know what he does and if he refers or takes tests, etc.

TheKdd 08-22-2013 12:56 PM

Ok the Appt is today. What happened Grandma?

Tina 08-22-2013 03:09 PM

Yes, waiting on pins and needles!

grandmamichelf 08-22-2013 03:28 PM

Okay, our doctor is female. Dr. Kelly. She's just marvelous and she was waiting for me to come in and talk to her about Mando after his father said something.

She gave me the number to a family counselor who could do the testing to figure out if what is wrong with him is organic or whatever the other word is. That way they can rule out if he needs mental help or physical help. She had already talked to this doctor and he said that he would bill it on my Tricare as family counseling. We went over everything I've said in my first post.

One thing she said is that this could be a psychotic break brought on by severe depression. The manifestations and all that stuff could most certainly be part of it. The worst thing would be a brain tumor but she wants us to rule out the depression part because this doctor is willing to help us and can point us in the right direction.

She also brought up that it might be possible for Mando to apply for Medicaid because it's not only for people with disabilities but poor people as well and he doesn't have job right now. (It's not like he could work like this anyway).

I felt so much more in control once I left her office. Something that scared me so badly now has a light at the end of the tunnel for help.

Talking to ya'll. Talking to my boss. Talking to our doctor. It really helps. Now tomorrow I will call this doctor and see about an appointment. I came home and asked Mando if he was willing to do this and he said....yes. But only him and me. I think that's best because Alexis would be too straightforward and interrupting.

Mando did not go to the doctor with me. I went in hopes of finding the right way to go and that's what happened. He has been in bed all day and I told him he needs to get his ass up and take a shower. 15 minutes later he calls me from his room to ask me if it would be okay if he applies for a job at Grandmother's (a restaurant he used to work at). I told him no. Not until we get this straightened out and get him some help. I told him his legs are weak and he knows this. He knows. He just wants to help us out but he knows something is wrong with him. He wants help and I'm the only one he will listen to because we're so close.

Tina 08-22-2013 04:15 PM

Well I'm really glad that he will go to the doctor and he realizes something is wrong. And I'm really glad that he will talk to you about it and go to the family counselor WITH you so that you can inform the counselor everything externally that you are seeing and he can tell the doctor everything internally that is going on with him. I hope the Dr. appointment you get is soon and I'm glad your doctor already gave the counselor the heads up. I think it's so important that if it is physical they start testing right away. I'm glad you feel better now that you have a plan but don't let them put you out a long time. I feel so bad for both of you and I'm sure you will both be relieved to find out what is truly going on with him so that he can get some help! If they try to put you out a long time Grandma just pretend they are Amanda and get up in their grill like you do so well!!
Hugs and prayers!

SassyGal 08-22-2013 04:26 PM

hugs & prayers

Mystycl 08-22-2013 05:27 PM


jennyb 08-22-2013 05:38 PM

Hugs and Prayers for you and your family.

grandmamichelf 08-28-2013 07:56 AM

Update: I called the psychologist recommended by our family doctor this morning. Armando and I have an appointment on Friday at 11am. This doctor will charge my Tricare Prime as family counseling which is really great.

Yesterday Mando asked me if we could eat because of a sign on Walgreens. Now he hasn't been out of the house in a couple of weeks so I don't know where he saw this sign that we couldn't eat. It's just getting more strange than you can even imagine.

I seriously think I'm starting to lose MY grip.

TheKdd 08-28-2013 08:13 AM

Grandma, I just want to say to you, first, that I am SO SORRY you have this on your plate and it has to be SO HARD.

I really just want tests to start being run. I HATE that it's wait wait wait. It's scary as hell and the more time this keeps going... I don't know. It just scares me. I mean what if the psych orders some physical tests as well (which I hope he/she does) but then it's yet another appointment day to wait for. I hate this waiting. Keep on keeping us updated please.

grandmamichelf 08-28-2013 08:38 AM

I know. I hate the waiting too. But at least it's a doctor that will bill it as family counseling. I don't know what we'll do if he has to have physical tests. Our family doctor thinks it could be a psychotic break caused by severe depression.

You know he was shuffling in the house the other night and I asked him if he thought he was walking okay. He said yes, he was walking just fine. All I can do is shake my head now. It's so hard to see my vibrant, beautiful son like this, just a shell of himself.

grandmamichelf 08-28-2013 11:32 AM

I went home at lunch and let him know we had this appointment. He mumbled okay and was fine with going.

Right before I leave to come back to work he asks me if I can just go do the interview without him. I said what interview. He says this thing on Friday. I said no, he's going if I have to drag him out by his ears. I told him he's worth everything to me and I will move heaven and hell to get him help. And part of moving all that is to have him move with me. My stomach is in knots that he might take off while we're asleep (not that I think he'll move out of bed or anything). My stomach is in knots because I'm so stressed and worried sick about him. He's just wasting away lying on his bed but at least he will eat. I'm so scared.

Tina 08-28-2013 01:34 PM

I would be really scared also Grandma, I'm so sorry.

That's why I wish they would hurry up instead of making you hurry up to wait. I'd need to know yesterday what is happening with him.

19wingz 08-28-2013 03:46 PM

Waiting sucks. A lot. A lot. But sometimes tests aren't always the best thing. Trying to figure it all out without tests may sometimes be the best thing for him. But I am with everyone here. I want this assessment done and tests run as needed so we can finally figure this out. Grandma, we're here for you.

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