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Old 05-02-2014, 12:21 AM   #1
Sphinx
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Default Ch-ch-changin...

Preface: I don't know that this is correct, or if the outcome is what I intend...that's why I'm asking for opinions. And obvious blind spots that I'm not seeing.

On Saturday and Sunday, I decided that I was done with how my personal life currently looks. It's incredibly unstable and I can't leave my entire life open to the winds of chaos.

I decided to quit drinking, because it's extremely destructive. I mean, I can look at all the patients and say "This is what can happen" truth, that was eye opening. I can look at those around me and see how it's destroyed their lives. And I can look at my own and see how it's destroyed aspects of my own life. So, I decided to quit it. I looked at when it began, and then realized most of my friendships are deeply rooted in having a "wild night." And I started to realize: is that truly a friendship? I don't believe so. So I've been sober since Monday, because that's when I really cracked and realized what a waste of time and money it is to sit at a bar and blow through booze. What's the outcome?

I also decided to quit smoking. That's always been on my agenda, and I haven't stopped that yet. That one is a bit more tricky to solve, because...it's an addiction at this point. So I need to find another outlet, (points to come) to resolve that.

That brings up two key issues: one we're essentially talking the renegotiation of friendships that can either continue to exist without alcohol or die. I'm fine with that. I accept that. This week has been difficult. I'm working overtime and my job isn't exactly pleasant. It's hard, but whatever, there's a solution that's coming. The other...what do I replace the stress factor with? I chose yoga and running, until I start gradschool and can start lifting weights.

I've completely annexed dating off my list of things. At this point, all that I can offer someone is my future; otherwise, I'm leading a pretty destructive life. I work my ass off, go to school, and yeah. So, I feel like by beginning to do other things - yet to be determined but I have a plan there as well - that I would be able to offer someone much more. I mean, I want more from my own future partner, so why shouldn't I lead by example? So I compiled that list as well, of what to do there (too exhaustive to write about...).

Regardless, my concern is...is this right? Or more likely, it's my own fear of the unknown. But, the other part of me looks at my patients (some being trauma others...just sad) and I realize that life is "nasty, brutish, and short." In a moment anything can change...and I think I owe it to myself to explore all possible areas, before I become incapacitated to do so. I think, I do not know, that this will simply lead to a more rewarding experience on this planet. Whether or not that's the case, I don't know...but I don't know.

I don't know and that's what the problem is. We're talking a radical shift of my entire life. A massive change. It's not impossible, but I'll be damned to say that this will be easy.

Does any of this make sense, or am I just a crazy man shouting in the desert?
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