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Old 09-02-2013, 11:00 AM   #1
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Default Family Issues

Shockingly, yet again, my family has become embroiled in a war. This time, it centers around me because I held my ground against my brother.

Basically, I had made a status about working nonstop this coming week (I will most likely be awake from now until Thursday at 3:01 AM). My brother made a snarky comments about it and then when I said to "Fuck off." My Mom stepped in and said that he was out of bounds that I also have school on top of working nonstop. He continued by saying "I find it hysterical that someone with a Master's education can't work." And that I'm "paid to drink and party while working." To which my Mom blew up on, I left it alone and took the battle to him personally in which I said: "my job is actually physically demanding. I move kegs, I'm constantly on my feet. I also have class for 30 hours a week. So I'm working nonstop as well as going to class - I won't sleep. It's not cute. You being an insensitive jerk and thinking you're joking when I'm legitimately panicking about balancing is not fair nor nice. You don't understand my job, I don't drink while I'm there. I don't get breaks. I don't eat. So by all means, be rude and condescending in terms of my education but I will not accept it nor respond to it ever again." His response was "LMAO".

From here, the battle raged between my Mom and him and my Sister-in-law, because she started defending my brother. My Dad entered the fray by telling my brother he was an asshole. My brother then said that my parents could no longer watch my niece for the night. When the battle continued on my status I interjected and said, "This is now a family matter and shall be handled privately." I, obviously, took it down.

Did I handle this correctly?

I know I'm super stressed, so I need a "checker" on my actions/behavior to keep me within my bounds.
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Old 09-02-2013, 03:36 PM   #2
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Well, it's awesome that your parents were on your side this time. Your brother was kind of an ass, but maybe you took it a little too personally if you were stressed? I don't know the context as well, I guess. I don't know. However, he still made a big deal out of nothing. Then of course, taking it down was right when mom and sister in law got into it. Not needed for facebook.

On a side note, it is VERY DIFFICULT for people with such degrees to find a job these days. It just is. Sad reality. Your brother may not realize it (as most people don't) but so many have difficulty.
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Old 09-02-2013, 04:37 PM   #3
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This happened on Facebook?

Sphinx, your brother was so far out of line that he should have fallen over. Good for your parents for backing you up for a change. You did the right thing to take down your status and not respond online again. Better to deal with private things like that in privacy.

Hey, if your brother ever wants to venture over here, I'll be waiting. You know I got your back, as always.
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Old 09-02-2013, 05:30 PM   #4
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Zach you did the right thing to take it down and like everyone else I am glad your oarents were on your side. Your brother was out of line but hopefully soon this will blow over.
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Old 09-02-2013, 05:57 PM   #5
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I read it when it was posted. Your brother was way out of line. I was happy to see your parents sticking up for you. We all know you are busy and working hard. Don't give up Zach. Your doing a great job. Don't let your brother get to you.
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Old 09-02-2013, 06:27 PM   #6
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Zach, like we talked about ... a lot of times, many do not fully comprehend what we do (this usually pertains to healthcare) and what we have to go through to get to where we want. And it's usually not because they can't, are in capable or don't want to. It's just difficult to fully perceive when you don't go through it.
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Old 09-02-2013, 07:19 PM   #7
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well I don't FB so i didn't see it but your brother is always making snarky comments. Sounds like everyone agrees he was out of line and yes I would have made it a family matter at that point as well.
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Old 09-02-2013, 09:41 PM   #8
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Contextually speaking, he basically said that I don't know how to work hard and/or hold a job. He's beaten me down in that vein before, like last summer when I was working at the pool and campaigning. Hell, even when I was working 40-70 hour weeks and doing gradschool he would beat me down. His critique was brash and unfounded, which is why after I responded once to him (to hope he'd gain understanding) I told him to fuck off, because well I needed to. If it's enlightening at all, beyond Renee, a cousin texted me "What the FUCK is happening in your family right now??? Justin (my brother) is such an asshole." He's a nasty piece of work regularly to us all.

I think what's more upsetting is that at a time that I'm clearly stressed beyond my perceived known limits, he decided to cut me down instead of say "you can do this, you've done this before." Which is what my Dad did, when I called him in a panic yesterday clearly beside myself. Whenever he is going through things, be it financial difficulty to marital issues, I'm always right beside him asking him if he's okay, etc. etc. Building him up and helping in whatever capacity I can. I guess, what I'm trying to articulate without actually saying the words until now: Why can't he support me? My mind jumps to homophobia, because he is very intolerant of others but I don't wanna believe that. Maybe that's me being hyperbolic? I just don't understand it. Who would do that to a family member?

I am actually incredibly shocked my Mom stepped in. This is the first time in years that she's stepped into a fight between he and I that she hasn't tried to make me understand him or his position, as if I needed to acquiesce to his bigotry. Last time was when I left the family at 4 AM with no intent of having a relationship with anyone outside my Dad. Different day, different story, different reason I suspect. That was a big break between us, and she and I are united against him at the moment. We've talked about how to go from here and we both agreed that we won't speak to him until he apologizes to both of us. That's a really good development actually, one that makes me feel better. Lord knows she and I have had our issues, but I think we're moving forward in our previously fraught and tenuous relationship. I don't like that my parents got involved, because I know that my niece is their world and future niece will be too. I think it's reprehensible that they (my SIL and brother) are using her as a bargaining chip in battles. That's very cheap. And if he does apologize, you can make damn sure I'll be holding my parents' back. They don't deserve that treatment.

I really don't know where to go from here with my brother, unfortunately. I can't ask him "Why don't you support me, like you do everyone else?" And I can't flagrantly ask "Is it because of your homophobia?" Because he'll deny it, but how do I dissuade my intuition? Wouldn't that have to come from his actions and words? But I don't like that, because I can't control others and I don't want to. I try and accept and appreciate everyone for who they are, even if at times it's abrasive to me. But I don't think I could legitimately accept that in my life, because then I'm legitimatizing intolerance and I vigilantly am opposed to it.

But on the flipside, to argue the "devil's advocate" he's in general an asshole. I've seen him say some pretty fucked shit to my Mom and Dad before, too. But, that was contextual. He thinks he's being funny, when he's being offensive (hence my text). He regularly comes after my education, jobs, lord knows sometimes being gay. Could it just be subconscious? I don't know. I don't like to psychoanalyze others, because if someone tried to psychoanalyze me they'd spend a lifetime and get nowhere. Does that sound like the "it's because I'm black that you don't like me" argument? Or am I just taking the past and trying to understand the present? Because there's a nasty brutal history there, and last time I brought it up he said "We've moved past that." But, even my SIL has said that he's homophobic still...

This is that grey area that I abhor. I don't play fairly when it comes to matters of the heart, but I can't discount my feelings either...I dunno. This is why I walk very cautiously, because the moment I feel my heart is getting stabbed, I will blast the person to ash and remove them from my life forever. I guard it fiercely, jealously, and hold no pretense in saying it is my greatest asset and weakness. Big enough to want to save the world, but too big to protect itself from all the nasty cretin in the world.

Appreciate and thanks for all the kind words and y'all playing referee to my behavior! I need it over the course of the next few days FORTUNATELY, in spite of a deluge of seeming hell, my bosses have decided my personality is wasted working the door and barbacking, so they're going to move me to becoming a server My quality of life will improve TREMENDOUSLY. No more shifts until 3 or 4 AM, still 2...but I'll also make a lot more money! And then the move to becoming a bartender is much more swift. Especially if they see my personality as being the primary reason to move me from barbacking to serving. It'll be so much better. I can't even express how happy I am at that.

Regardless, thank you all again. I know sometimes it seems like I bitch about trivial things, which I've been trying to contain and have actually been looking at the silver lining much more in life. This one...just seems like I'm between a rock and a hard place. Either I have figured out he's a homophobic asshole and he can't support me when I need it, or he's just an asshole that can't support me when I need it. It's like weeding through the lesser of two evils...
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Old 09-02-2013, 10:05 PM   #9
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I think it's despicable that they are using your niece in this situation. I don't even know your brother but the things you have said about him the past couple of years indicate to me that he continually has a problem with your sexuality. That's HIS problem. I'm so glad that your Mom especially stuck up for you and that your parents are seeing this for what it is. He's never really been supportive. Maybe someday your brother will grow up or open his eyes. That's great that your job is going to change to enable you to make more money and enjoy it more!!

I'm proud of you for working so hard and still continuing to advance your education.
I hope it all works out Sphinx!
and you know I love the way you write. Always have.
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Old 09-03-2013, 06:35 AM   #10
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The dude is jealous of you. Somewhere, somehow, something is missing in his life and he is jealous of yours. He will use whatever means to cut you down to make him feel better. It's what people do. Your parents are proud of you, that pisses him off. Their attention should be on him, not you, and he's pissed.

He is your brother, and God knows you will love him, close to you or not, asshole or not, because he's family. I personally don't think he belongs in your "social network" if you know what I mean. Either remove him from your FB, or put him, and all your family for that matter, on a "list" over there that doesn't get updates from you unless it's deemed for them to begin with.
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