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Old 03-16-2014, 10:17 PM   #1
Sphinx
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Default Personal Growth Moment

I rarely have these moments or as profound as this one.

One of my best friends and I went to war over a week and a half ago. I've apologized about five times, because I was wrong in what began it. Completely trivial, but neither here nor there. I was pissed at what she said to me (self-centered, I don't support my friends, or have compassion), so I shot back proving them wrong. I gave it one last shot today, and tried saying I missed her and our friendship. Still no response.

Well, that triggered the most massive meltdown I've had in recent memory - easily, since my Dad's illness. I mean, we're talking about the loss of a massive component - a pillar - of my emotional support system that I had thought was permanently firewalled from destruction. Two hours of absolute hysterical sobbing, a palpitating headache, and nauseousness. I went outside for a cigarette.

That's when I started introspecting on the situation and realized I can be just as stubborn, silent, and nasty and did it very recently to my roommate - I apologized to her. Trust me, I have my many issues with her...so I sucked my pride up after I called myself out on that as well. It's not right to treat someone like that. I then had this moment...that I probably won't forget soon. "You have been through this before, you survived it then. You are more rubber than human." That's ultimately what staunched the watershed. It was in that moment that I realized I was introspecting about my behavior, in spite of losing a very important part of my life. That next moment was the monumental mother fucker moment, "I am going to be fine."

Never, in my entire life, have I had a crisis of this magnitude and been able to 1) Check my own behavior in the past and realize it was wrong and more importantly apologize for it in the middle of a crisis; 2) Introspect immediately in the middle of a crisis 3) Remember that I've been through difficult things before; 4) Remembering who I am (rubber more than human) - goes in tow with three...but it's different and finally; 5) I am going to be okay.

Those last three slam straight into each other, but those all combined provided the single most growing moment of my entire life. Couple it with an earlier moment in the day of trying to be more vulnerable and not self-sabotage and run to avoid pain.

I have never felt more formidable in my entire life. I don't even feel the same after this all happened. I guess one would call it inner stability or inner peace.

Keep in mind, I am far from okay emotionally and physically you can still see the devastating effects the meltdown had. I still feel nauseous, I still have a headache, and even my roommates asked "Are you okay? Have you had too much coffee? Sugar?" My hands are shaking uncontrollably and beyond visibly. But mentally, I'm completely okay. I stopped ruminating.

Of all my accomplishments in my life...this is the single greatest one.

I am so proud of myself.
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Old 03-16-2014, 11:10 PM   #2
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I'm not surprised. We've had some talks and this doesn't surprise me. You should be proud. You're all growed up.

Also, do not get me started on people who stay silent and choose to take that way out. I think its cowardly and pathetic, if you ask me. From personal experience. But I'm really sorry you have to go through this with your friend, Zach. That is never fun to experience and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
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Old 03-17-2014, 12:20 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 19wingz View Post
I'm not surprised. We've had some talks and this doesn't surprise me. You should be proud. You're all growed up.

Also, do not get me started on people who stay silent and choose to take that way out. I think its cowardly and pathetic, if you ask me. From personal experience. But I'm really sorry you have to go through this with your friend, Zach. That is never fun to experience and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
It's a great moment, that's for sure. It sucks, but as I told you...I'm okay with it. Ultimately her loss, someone else's gain. I do believe in balance, so...it'll all work itself out. The whole silence thing is total bullshit. In interpersonal relationships, I think it should only be employed on a limited basis. I used it because I thought silence was impregnable, which...it is. But if you actually care about the person, what does it solve? Absolutely nothing. The reason I am surprised is because the moment caught me completely off guard. I mean, we're talking a full scale meltdown which I don't typically have anymore...but for me to believe in myself and trust it all - that's the moment. And nobody can take it away.
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Old 03-17-2014, 08:29 PM   #4
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Our little Sphinx is growing up!!!
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Old 03-17-2014, 09:30 PM   #5
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I can actually remember when I had a moment pretty similar to yours... although mine came much later in life!!

You will be okay!

You will always be okay!!

*HUGS*
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Old 03-17-2014, 11:43 PM   #6
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It's a definite turning point, I'll say that much. It's kinda like I've planted my own roots in my own self; and in spite of the chaos that I seem to exist in, knowing I'll always be okay...that's strength of a different magnitude. Don't get me wrong, I'm still me. I'm still a caring, ferocious, hard to handle, fun-loving, bitch (at times). I just believe in myself.

And that makes all the difference.
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