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Old 07-21-2016, 09:04 AM   #1
grandmamichelf
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Default So sometimes

The only place I know to come for solace is here. I'm feeling somewhat bereft, out of sorts, and downright alone. Not at home. At work.

Part of the problem is that Armando's birthday comes up in a couple of weeks so I always feel really low and just burst into tears over nothing. Plus he shares his birthday with my sister and she passed away in 2010. So it's just screwed all the time. But I don't talk to anyone for days at work unless I get up and go across the campus to the building where my bosses are. And I just don't have the will or drive to do that. Nor do I want to because I feel like they all think I should just be this happy, live life to the fullest person again. And I'm just not ever going to be her.

But what if the person I am is pretty damn good anyway? So what if I cry at the drop of a hat? So what if a song or a memory brings those tears? Why can't I talk about him? Why can't my "friends" at work listen?

The other day one friend chatted to me that maybe I need medication. Her mother lost two sons but she came through it and tried to make the world a better place. And she took medication and it was okay. Well, that's not me. When Armando died, I had no time to truly grieve his loss. I had no time because I was busy helping my family get through it. I am a southern woman, you know. That's what we do.

But to tell me I need medication and why don't I try to make the world a better place? Whatever. People say they are there for you but they aren't. Not really. Unless you've lost a child, like her mother did, you truly don't get it. You just don't.

I have an appointment with EAP tomorrow (we get 5 free ones for a year) and I thought I'd go talk about all of this and the sense of abandonment I feel, the outsider feeling, the aloneness, all this at work is hurting my soul deep down inside. It was so bad yesterday the edge was close to my feet. I'm wise enough to not take the last step.

But the darkness engulfs me and no one cares around here. they think I should just wake up and be fine. Poof!

My boss is supposed to take me up in his hot air balloon to talk to Armando and scatter the rest of his ashes, but he's so busy I don't think he'll remember. Or maybe he's tired of me too. Who knows?
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Old 07-21-2016, 09:43 PM   #2
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Personally, Michel, I think you make the world a better place just by being in it. You are a very strong woman with an awareness of things that I can't conceive.

I doubt that people are tired of you, but I think it might be that they don't know what to say to you. "You'll feel better tomorrow" is just insulting. And they don't know how you feel. Maybe they want you to be happy and perky so they don't have to worry about you or be concerned about saying the wrong thing to you.

I think a gentle nudge to your boss would be a good idea. People who care about you want to help you, and he might be waiting for you to be "ready" and for you to bring up the subject. I think scattering Armando's ashes could be very healing for you, and who wouldn't be happy in a hot air balloon, closer to God and talking to a loved one?

I think the healthiest thing you can do is TALK about it. Talk about how you feel now, how much you miss Armando and how close to the edge you sometimes feel. And if people in your life get tired of listening, find someone else to listen and talk as much as you can. That's the only way you can deal with the loss.

And we are always here for you, Michel. You are family and family takes care of each other. We don't have all the answers and will probably say the wrong thing now and then, but our hearts are in the right place.

I'm sending you an electronic hug because I think you need one. I've never been a mother or a Southern woman (as Tickle has pointed out to me), but I've had good times and bad in my life. I don't know that things will get better, but they will get easier to accept.

Hang in there, and keep your chins up! I'm always available, publicly or privately, if you want to talk.
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Old 07-22-2016, 08:56 AM   #3
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No, you aren't ever 'going to be her'. What happened was a devastating experience that should never happen. A heart torn asunder can never be whole yet again. The problem is not you; in fact, the problem is that others just want you to be 'you' again is simply a desire to keep some normalcy. Nobody can endure the fires of tragedy as long as you have and not be changed. It simply is a new you. As for how 'others' did it -- that's just how they did it. What works for one is not a prescription for all. When tragedy engulfs a life, there is neither a pill nor a potion to soothe the soul back to contentment.

Heraclitus said,

Quote:
No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man.
I think it's healthy to release unto others to listen. Strength isn't holding everything in and pretending that it's okay. Strength comes from when we're vulnerable and allow ourselves to show that we can falter but get back up. Even Atlas shrugged.

Use us, as Shiny said, as an outlet. Bounce ideas off us. What ultimately matters is what will work for you. Not to feel normal, but to push you back from the ledge and not allow the darkness to become cumbersome.

Feel free whenever, wonderwoman.
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Old 07-22-2016, 02:20 PM   #4
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Y'all warm the cockles of this old, tired heart. Too much has happened in the past two years and I just think I'm going to break.

However, I did go to EAP this morning because the problems are at work. I'm so alone all the time and I feel outcast and abandoned.

I was told I am depressed because of complicated grief. Well, duh. I can read so I knew that. But she says get myself, my husband, and Lexi to a grief group. So I will do that.

Then she said -horror of horrors- talk to my bosses. let them know what I need from them because they can't read my mind. And she said just understand that there are people who just don't know what to say. And there are those who will just listen and/or give a hug because they don't know what to say but they want to convey something.

Ugh. My skin just crawls with this stuff.
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Old 07-22-2016, 09:36 PM   #5
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If you can withstand the last two years and still haven't been broken, I believe in your ability to not break under the weight of your grief. As for what EAP said -- No shit (Re: depression.) I think it would be beneficial for you and Lexi and your husband. I think connecting with others that experience this phenomenon may make the 'listening' easier and the connections you need for your own emotional stability.

I think what you're learning here is that weakness is a sign of strength. After all, we are only strongest at our weakest junction.

Hang in there, if only by a hangnail. As always, you know where to find me. Your local speakeasy.
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Old 07-23-2016, 02:09 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by grandmamichelf View Post
Y'all warm the cockles of this old, tired heart. Too much has happened in the past two years and I just think I'm going to break.

However, I did go to EAP this morning because the problems are at work. I'm so alone all the time and I feel outcast and abandoned.

I was told I am depressed because of complicated grief. Well, duh. I can read so I knew that. But she says get myself, my husband, and Lexi to a grief group. So I will do that.

Then she said -horror of horrors- talk to my bosses. let them know what I need from them because they can't read my mind. And she said just understand that there are people who just don't know what to say. And there are those who will just listen and/or give a hug because they don't know what to say but they want to convey something.

Ugh. My skin just crawls with this stuff.
My wife lost her father last September unexpectedly and has found a grief share group. I was skeptical but it really seems to be helping her talk about him and push for the good moments. Still a struggle for her but I see her efforts being rewarded for a bit healthier outlook on things. Can't hurt.
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Old 07-27-2016, 06:56 PM   #7
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I met with my bosses yesterday morning. Despite my crying and stuff, I got out what I needed to.

Telling your bosses that you had wanted to kill yourself the week before and you tried to reach out but then you felt bad about doing so was really hard to do. Thankfully I work in SPED so I knew to call for help, hence the call to EAP and talking to a counselor.

My bosses are good men. We are working together to keep in touch. I don't need to be in the building with them. It isn't a good fit for me. I know that. I just need them to remember I'm there and we've got this plan. I can call them just to say hello, let them know I'm okay, I'm there. They will do the same for me as well.

I found a group called compassionate friends and will go there next week on the 4th and see how it goes. Then Art and Lexi will go with me next time if I think it's a good fit for Lexi.

There are no grief share groups close by that are just starting so I have to wait until September for that.

But I go back and see the counselor on the 9th. So I have done the right thing so far.
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Grandma's looking for a grill. If you don't know what that means, you don't know Grandma.
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Old 07-28-2016, 09:22 AM   #8
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I'm here .... you have my number ♥ ♥
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Old 07-28-2016, 08:05 PM   #9
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Stay strong lady, you're doing amazing.
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Old 07-30-2016, 08:07 AM   #10
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It's a day to day thing right now. The bosses have been out of town the rest of this past week and the one is gone for all of next week to a hot air balloon competition. He's the one who will take me up into the sky to talk to Armando and the few ashes I have left. Just don't know when he will be able to do that, so I wait for him to tell me.

I feel better though. But like in AA, it's just one day at a time. Sometimes it's just 1, 5, 10, 15, 30 minutes at a time. Whatever I need to do is what the counselor told me.
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Grandma's looking for a grill. If you don't know what that means, you don't know Grandma.
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