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Old 02-01-2012, 02:42 PM   #471
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It's a party!
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Old 02-01-2012, 03:25 PM   #472
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HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14 -16 men's work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......

Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got
the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the
blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.

- Cooter
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Old 02-01-2012, 05:08 PM   #473
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Old 02-02-2012, 05:38 PM   #474
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Old 02-02-2012, 05:53 PM   #475
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Old 02-02-2012, 05:54 PM   #476
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I don't know why that's so funny, but it is!
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Old 02-03-2012, 07:51 AM   #477
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Old 02-03-2012, 12:50 PM   #478
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Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.


7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokémon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.





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Old 02-03-2012, 01:16 PM   #479
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I was number two the last visit to my oncologist....I stepped on the scales and it said I was exactly 20 lbs heavier than I was a month before....My mouth flew open and I told that nurse there was no way I could have gained 20Lbs in 1 month...I said I know I had Christmas dinner and lots of goodies......She looked at me then the scales again....My husband had stepped on the scales the same time I had....I hadn't gained a 1 pound...He likes to do things like that....He told us after I was in disbelief....I can't get my jeans on if I gain 5 lbs. so I thought something was wrong with the scales....LMAO!!!

I love reading these things.........
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Old 02-03-2012, 05:47 PM   #480
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those are really cool!
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