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Old 01-06-2014, 01:16 AM   #1
PinkFreak
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Thinking Not so torn anymore...

Just when life feels like it's getting back to something I could call normal... My son calls :/

A little background... My son ran away about 2 months before he turned 18. I walked the streets of downtown by myself looking for him. The police picked him up once & so we got him back home for about 3 days & he was gone again. They picked him up a 2nd time but by the time I could return their call, they had let him go because they believed his story that he wasn't a runaway anymore even though I had not notified them that he wasn't a runaway...

2 days after he turned 18, he landed himself in jail. My parents bailed him out of jail, took him out to the farm & he worked off the bail money they used & then he was gone again. Not too long after that, he was picked up again on a warrant because he never showed up to court or paid his fines for the trespassing charge from before. That's when I found out I was going to be a grandma... His girlfriend eventually bailed him out, and he stuck around for a couple more months, but then he took off to the streets once again.

The next time he landed in jail was for a felony meth possession charge... That's when I met his then 15 year old girlfriend (He was 19 by then) which we did not get along so once he was out of jail, he wasn't seen from again. That was Christmas of 2012. After months of not hearing a peep from him, not knowing if he was even alive or in town anymore, I would drive around randomly in our city looking for him. Any homeless man on the street corner would get a double take, or I'd drive back around if I needed a better look.

Then one day, an ex-girlfriend of his posted on FB she seen him in a park so I went down there, spent a about 2 hours walking the park, then after talking to some of the people living in that park, I found out where he hung out at & spent about 6 hours under a bridge with some of his transient aquaintences hoping he'd show up... Long story short, he sent his girlfriend to the bridge to see what I wanted (the now 16 year old GF). It literally broke my heart. I only wanted to see him, hug him & tell him I loved him.

I walked back to the park bawling, but since then, I'd find a reason to drive that area every couple of days, hoping I'd spot him & I did... I pulled over into a gas station parking lot & we hugged for what felt like a solid 15 minutes. We sat on a curb & talked for about an hour & I told him everything I needed him to hear... That I loved him unconditionally... Just needed for him to keep me posted cuz I worry too damn much... That I'd always be there for him but understood he was living his life the way he wanted to. It wasn't what I wanted for him, but I really just needed him to stay in touch, keep the communication open. Things were different after that...

But unfortunately, him & his girlfriend moved to California about a month later... And she was pregnant. CJ was born in May 2013, just days after my son turned 21, and his girlfriend was 17. I worried for them as they didn't actually have a place to live and they talked about moving back up to Oregon. They eventually found a place of their own, his girlfriend got a job & they seemed to be doing good.

That all ended about August/September when they were fighting, authorities were called & CPS took CJ into protective custody. They both tested positive for meth & would have to make some hard life changes in order to get CJ back. My son didn't want to give up his pot, feels he needs it to function normally (he has ADHD) so he got his visitation revokes but his girlfriend gave up everything from that moment forward. She was doing really good. Going to the required classes, meetings & never missed a visitation with CJ which was every weekday, and was testing clean.

So my back to my son calling... Both him & his GF have started using :/ They told me they want their case transferred up to Oregon, so they can get away from the town they are in, get into treatment & have CJ placed with me. I called to talk to the CPS worker & that's an option, but at this point she tells me they are trying to put together a permanent placement plan as things are not looking good.

I'm so torn... I really want CJ to come with us, I haven't even physically seen him yet, and don't want him adopted out. But taking on raising a grandchild is a huge decision... I was all for taking him until they got their shit together, but very torn if I want to commit to raising him. Sounds kinda selfish, but it's a huge commitment & responsibility. I would have to give up school, again... And financially, we are just getting back on our feet after my hubby taking a huge layout & me being out of work for 2 years...

So, any advice??

Sorry, that was so long :/
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Old 01-06-2014, 08:08 AM   #2
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Wow Pink. Firstly I am so very sorry this is happening. Man, I don't know how you've made it through this. It's like a nightmare. I really don't think that anyone can give you advice on this. It has to be your total thought process. Will you have happiness raising your grandson? How is that going to be when your son and his girlfriend fight over him and place you in the middle? Do you have the strength to keep them away when they are using? Yikes, I can't even imagine dealing with this but then I'm older. I want more than anything to have a grandchild at this point but this is a very heavy burden. Honey, I hope you figure it out. What's best for C J? I guess that's what's the most important.
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Old 01-06-2014, 08:47 AM   #3
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advice? not sure i would be qualified for that.. plus, you know your life better than i do....

as for what i would do? the child would be with me. period.
no way could i sleep at night knowing he was with strangers....

now BY NO MEANS does that mean if you chose to not, that you are in any way a bad person or i think bad or whatever!! KNOW THAT. ♥ i am just telling you what i would do in that situation. it is YOUR call. not even really your hubby's, cause YOU will be the primary care giver!!!! he has a say, of course, but ultimately, its all on you!

and i have to say, i am sooooooo glad i dont have to make this decision. and i am so sorry you do! ♥ ♥
im here if'n ya wanna talk ♥
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Old 01-06-2014, 08:49 AM   #4
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ha! looks like me and miss TRINA thinking along the same lines a little bit



tina just does not sound right LOL
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Old 01-06-2014, 12:16 PM   #5
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Wow! I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I think you've gotten good advice from two women who like/appreciate children and wouldn't steer you wrong. Ever!

I think this is a personal decision only YOU can make, after a lot of thought. I think a list of pros and cons is a good place to start, but ultimately, your decision will be made in your gut. I believe, if you can get custody of CJ, you will need to put YOUR life on hold for the next 18 years; you will have sole responsibility for this child; and you will be caught in the middle for every battle your son and his girlfriend can create. And YOU might be the only chance this child has for a normal life ...

I'll just send my prayers for you to make the right decision for your life. It's going to be very hard for you, whichever you choose. There are a lot of us here who really care about you, and will always be here to listen, offer suggestions, stupid comments and maybe try to make you laugh.

Good luck with making that decision and I (personally, anyway) hope you will let us share in what you decide to do, and that process.

We love you, Pinky, and wish we could help, but all we can do is listen. You will do what's right for you, and that's what's most important. You're an amazing woman!
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Old 01-06-2014, 01:11 PM   #6
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Lisa, I can't even begin. I knew you had a lot going on in your life and I knew bits and pieces, but i didn't know the whole story. First of all, I am so sorry, but I am glad that you are able to turn to people here and hopefully in your life for support.

As for advice...I can't even begin to say I am qualified. I don't have children, let alone grand children. I am not a parent. I'm not even married. However, I do think this is something YOU have to make. Looking at the life of CJ, I think he may be at an advantage in life because he would be with family. That said, I have seen my fair share of children who have grown up in foster family and turned out beautifully.

I echo what all of the other wonderful women here have said. This is going to be a tough decision and I cannot tell you one way or another, and for that I'm sorry. But I am sending prayers and thoughts your way to help you through this time to make the decision that will be best for you, your family and CJ.
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Old 01-06-2014, 03:10 PM   #7
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shiny!!!!
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Old 01-06-2014, 10:22 PM   #8
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Had a talk with the hubby tonight... and I think our plan moving forward is that we will take him regardless. I really don't think in my heart I could live knowing I didn't fight for him. I did the same for my son, and if he won't do it for his own son, I will step up and do it myself. We are going to tell my son & his girlfriend that if we don't step in, that they will probably never see CJ again... and us doing this is their final chance. Hope, his GF was doing really well up until about 2-3 weeks ago. Never missing her visits, going to all the classes she was required to do & actually taking it all in & really trying to learn. It's sad to say but I really think my son was a big part of her falling back into the dark.

So I'm going to lay it all out, let them know that unless one of them steps up & does all the right things to get CJ back, whether it together or just one of them, that they will lose all rights to CJ, period. I'm scared of my sons mental state, and that giving him this ultimatum will be his breaking point, but I figure he has put himself in this position, not me... and CJ does not deserve the situation he's been put in. The aftermath of whatever happens will be the hardest to bear I'm thinking. But for now, we'll take it day by day.

And who knows, maybe giving them this last hope could change things... regardless, I will be changing CJ's path, just hope we can give him the same opportunities as whatever adoptive family could. I was told the foster family that has him now is interested in adopting, which honestly just broke my heart... which is making me realize I could not let him go. I may have never actually met him yet, but I can feel the unconditional love already... and it's growing!!

Thank you all, even when writing this original post, I already was leaning towards taking him, but your thoughts put my mind at ease that my thoughts were on the right path.
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I love The Yak
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Just walkin' through the front door

Puts a big smile on my face
It ain't too far, come as you are

Hmm, hmm, hmm I love The Yak


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Old 01-06-2014, 10:44 PM   #9
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Spoken like a true Mom!
(And I think everybody here knew your decision before you told us.)

Can we call you Grandma now?
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Old 01-06-2014, 10:56 PM   #10
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I love you honey! You got this.
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