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Old 07-03-2013, 04:25 AM   #881
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It is like it is mocking me
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Old 07-03-2013, 04:17 PM   #882
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PinkFreak View Post
OMG why am I just now seeing it?! I love this one!!
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Old 07-17-2013, 08:04 AM   #883
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A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
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Old 07-17-2013, 03:17 PM   #884
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Video no longer avaialbe
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Last edited by Cathy; 07-25-2013 at 10:11 AM.
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Old 07-24-2013, 08:35 AM   #885
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One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared in front of the congregation.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "I been married to your sister for 48 years."
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Old 07-25-2013, 10:10 AM   #886
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job. At the end of the first day, the redhead had painted 3 miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles. The boss was so excited he told her to keep it up and the job was hers. The next day, the redhead painted 5 miles and the brunette 5.6 miles and the blonde painted only 4 miles. The boss told her not to worry, you still have a good lead. So, on the third day the redhead had painted 6 miles, the brunette 5 miles and the blonde only one mile. The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, "What went wrong?, you were doing so well."

She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away."
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Old 07-25-2013, 08:26 PM   #887
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but
I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo?
It's only 25 cents!!!!
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Old 07-28-2013, 08:03 PM   #888
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
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Old 07-29-2013, 02:39 AM   #889
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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him Your Grace’.

The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a Cardinal.
When he enters a room everyone says Your Eminence’.

The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him Your Holiness’.

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, 'Well….?'

She replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, tall and 38D-24-36.
When she walks into a room, people say, Oh My God’
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Old 08-02-2013, 04:32 PM   #890
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It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'"
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